Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Growing Crisis

I do not remember many details of my life from the early to mid 90's. However in general terms it proved to a period of growing stress, that I only began to properly understand much later.

I was aware however that my development had taken a pronounced vertical character, with the continual unfolding of more advanced spiritual states and structures.

However as I ascended "higher" in a transcendent direction ever closer to pure spiritual intuition (without phenomenal structure), this was complemented by the opposite descent with respect to sensation into the physical realms of the unconscious (repressed from earliest childhood).

Thus increasingly my energy was given over to this dynamic interaction as between "higher" and "lower" (unconscious) bands, as attempted integration of the levels of these bands continued.

I was becoming aware however of a growing problem in that the (conscious) middle levels were being continually bypassed in the process.

And as the more horizontal extensive nature of the middle levels is properly suited for conscious day to day responsibilities, this began to create a considerable amount of stress with respect to the conduct of such activity.

I felt - quite literally - as if  my very body was being increasingly stretched in a vertical manner, with less and less oxygen, as it were, available for daily work and social engagements.

Once again the comparisons with a steep mountain climb such as Mount Everest are very apt.

As a climber approaches the summit of Everest, available oxygen in the physical atmosphere becomes steadily depleted. Therefore one can only proceed ever more painfully, as one strives to minimise on undue physical exertion.

Equally as one approaches the transcendent peak in spiritual terms, the psychological oxygen, enabling one to carry out normal conscious activity can likewise become greatly depleted. Therefore the carrying out of day to day activities can prove very burdensome, where no relief can be experienced. One is thereby forced to continually economise on undue conscious effort, which requires that any attachment (positive or negative) be relinquished.

In fact one's breathing in physiological terms becomes almost entirely suspended.
This is compatible with a deep sleep state, where unfolding events leave remarkably little trace in memory. However in the hidden depths, all sorts of physical fantasies of a primitive kind can emerge threatening to disturb this peace.

When I look back now a distinctive form of stress was associated with each of the three major levels (of Band 3).

Level 1 was associated directly with the thinking mental function (connected largely to the expression of my male identity).

The main problem here in terms of stress was associated directly with what would be identified as mental illness.
So as I have stated  clinical depression (e.g. endogenous) - even psychosis - is quite likely as one attempts to survive a lengthy "dark night of the soul" experience.

This was associated in my own case with a severe shedding of a masculine ego identity.
It is in the very nature of things that this problem tends to be reinforced through outward events.
So as stated before, at this time my father (who had always provided unconditional affirmation) died. and I also ran into serious problems with respect to employment.

Level 2 was then associated with the affective feeling function (in the hidden expression of a female identity),
The stress that I experienced now was more directly of an emotional kind in the fading of a significant emotional relationship and several social activities that for a while had given me support. Finally and most significantly, my mother died.
So I interpreted this turmoil as a testing of a newly acquired feminine identity. In other words I was forced to develop the feminine within myself to compensate for its outside loss.

Level 3 was associated directly with the volitional function (in the attempt to reconcile both masculine and feminine identities)

However, complementing the pure (empty) activity of will of the "higher" self were the still involuntary promptings of the "lower" physical self  (where cognitive and affective functions still remained confused).

So stress now started to manifest itself increasingly in a psycho physiological manner.

In other words, psychological stress - which previously manifested itself in mental and emotional terms - now directly affected the body.

However because I had enjoyed remarkably good health in physical terms prior to this, I was not yet attuned to recognise the new problem.

Then in mid 1996, one night, I began to feel somewhat dizzy and lightheaded. When I developed what seemed like a routine virus the following day, I was relieved as seemingly this was the explanation for the previous night's problem.

Though the virus cleared up, I still seemed unusually weak at times and even passed out one night. Eventually I discovered that I had an internal bleed (which was due to a painless ulcer).

By the time I got to hospital the blood count was dangerously low.
So here was a new crisis, where my own life for a while seemed to be hanging in the balance.

Just as the earlier levels had culminated with the death of my father and mother respectively, this was associated with the threat of death with respect to my personal self,  now spiritually experienced in androgynous terms (as both masculine and feminine). Only through such an event could the fear of death be faced in such a way, as to enable the transcendent task of that period of development to be realised.

The person who finally climbs on to the summit of Everest though understandably highly elated, is likely to have already suffered a lot and perhaps be in a fragile physical condition.

In like manner, achieving the transcendent peak of my own journey was associated for a while (in hospital and later outside) with several outpourings of  mystical joy. However in many ways with the real descent now beckoning, I was still potentially in a fragile physical state and subject to continuing psychological stress.

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