Saturday, September 14, 2013

Further Conflict

I have attempted to describe briefly with respect to personal experience, the nature of holistic intellectual understanding that accompanied an extraordinary outpouring of spiritual intuition.

By this stage I was already well into my 3rd year at College with final examinations just a few month away.

However, suddenly a far more exciting world was opening up offering limitless possibilities for further development.

And because of the strongly holistic nature of such understanding my interests spread across many fields (which from this perspective were all strongly integrated with respect to their fundamental structure).

So mystical spirituality, philosophy, psychology, physics, economics and most of all mathematics deeply engaged my energies in a fever of new activity, plentifully fueled by a continual flood of new insights (directly inspired by illumination emerging from the unconscious).

Suddenly my purpose on Earth seemed to be clearly mapped out as in my exalted state then, I could have happily envisaged spending the rest of my days building on the insights that had already quickly emerged over a very short time period.

However, it was only later that I began to properly realise that all this new activity was placing huge strains on the psychological nervous system.

Thus my energies had very quickly moved to an almost total immersion in this exciting new holistic world which promised an integrated approach to the various scientific disciplines.

However this began to place considerable demands on the unconscious to keep supplying the light that would provide the precious insight to continue in a creative manner.

However due to the excessive requirements made on it, the unconscious well within gradually became depleted.

So the old problem of spiritual attachment resurfaced. Thus the phenomenal intellectual symbols through which the spiritual light were being mediated became more rigid in experience leading  to secondary attachment to these symbols.

Also because I now was identifying with this new holistic as superior to earlier analytic type understanding, I started to develop a strong negative attachment to conventional thinking and responsibilities.

For example in my own field of Economics I could see little merit in the customary approach (based on merely analytic notions) and longed to be free to develop - what I considered then -  a more integrated dynamic approach.

Speaking in a spiritual context with respect to contemplative proficients, St. John identifies human pride as perhaps the greatest fault at this time. And I would fully subscribe to this! Indeed in a sense pride is inevitable, for one has already authentically tasted one's true divine nature as it were (through the peak illumination experienced).

This therefore creates a conflict in terms of full acceptance of the normal humdrum - merely human - identity. So difficulties in adjustment as between one's "higher" and "lower" natures now becomes a key problem.

In my own case, such spiritual pride tended to be heavily associated with this new holistic understanding that was now taking over my existence. As all available psychological energy was so heavily invested in such understanding, problems of adjustment to normal life (based on common sense intuitions) quickly developed.

Though this holistic intellectual activity continued for about two years, I began to notice an emerging pattern. Each bout of activity would still be associated with an initial feeling of excitement. However as this excitement started to diminish strong emotional feelings of alienation would follow which became ever more prolonged.

This in fact indicated an another imbalance in that cognitive development was now dominating the affective aspect. And as this domination grew, the feeling of estrangement in terms of customary relationships likewise grew.

However as I was already far too deeply engaged with this new holistic understanding, there was never any realistic chance of just turning back to normal concerns.

In any case despite all the growing difficulties this was the path that I wanted to pursue.

So gradually I began to realise that in order to regenerate the unconscious in a manner that could properly sustain such activity, a much more prolonged period of cleansing (or purgation) would be required.

Indeed the aftermath of withdrawal and alienation, following holistic activity, had now become so pronounced that I eventually reached the stage where I was willing to give it up altogether!

However what I could not have properly realised at the time were the severe consequences of this decision.

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