The great barrier to authentic spiritual enlightenment is excessive ego attachment.
Though a certain degree of such attachment is in fact necessary, as the spirit must necessarily be mediated through phenomenal means, my personality has always tended to show an unusual degree of sensitivity in this regard.
Thus in my adult life periods of illumination - though intuitively rich, fuelling intense bouts of activity in cognitive and affective terms - inevitably burned themselves quickly out in disillusionment, as undue attachment to phenomena gradually came to impede the pure spiritual light.
So in reverse fashion at Band 5, I was now journeying through the 3 major levels.
And just as at Band 3, Level 1 was directly concerned with the cognitive aspect, likewise it was true again with respect to Band 5. However whereas, earlier, the main thrust of such development was away from dualistic towards more paradoxical nondual appreciation, now in reverse fashion it was turning back from nondual towards its eventual integration with dualistic reality,
So the initial positive phase of intellectually illuminated activity on the forums was now followed by a lengthier negative phase of withdrawal in the deep felt need to replenish the unconscious wells within.
Because of male identity has always been so strongly identified with such intellectual abilities, the prolonged withdrawal required, proved (as with the "dark night" at Band 3) very difficult.
What I missed most of all was the - now - complete lack of recognition of others for my efforts, for I always firmly believed that I had indeed a valuable contribution to make.
However the unconscious desire for such recognition was itself now the main barrier in terms of the purer development of an intellectual vision (that was intimately dependent on spiritual intuition).
And there is no easy way of dealing with such ego desire other than letting it die slowly on a day to day basis (without substitution of other gratification).
Initially I would protest inwardly at this stifling of my intellectual voice (just when I felt that it was having an impact). However then I would realise that this very desire to have an impact - that betrayed the still untamed ego - was itself the main problem. So the desire for authentic truth requires the foregoing of ego desire, even to the extent of giving up all intellectual ambition for one's ideas to be recognised by others.
And so I found that this surrender would have to be made again and again on a daily basis for some considerable time before any genuine peace of mind could be obtained.
During these periods of withdrawal, outward life seemed increasingly monotonous and uneventful where I now melted anonymously into an amorphous background, with other players attracting notice on the stage of life.
In fact when I look back at this period from about 2000 - 2007, memories do not readily come to mind. It is as if I was not really awake at the time, which in a certain important sense was true as I remained deeply immersed in the sleep state of the unconscious. And this is literally how one learns to let the ego die i.e. through becoming immersed in the deep sleep state of self-forgetfulness!
After a few years, I started writing again, though not is the sustained interactive manner of earlier forum activity. During this time I tested the water as it were by submitting a number of articles to the Integral World forum. However, while welcoming the opportunity to contribute, I now felt more like an outsider looking in, without enjoying the rapport of old with forum participants.
My main energy was now being devoted to a private effort to give a full statement of the binary model of development (i.e. based on the holistic mathematical interpretation of 1 and 0).
I had already made a few preliminary attempts before eventually settling on a discussion type format. And of course I was filling the role of both contributors to this discussion! However it thereby allowed me to raise issues which I felt especially relevant in a more informal manner (hopefully thereby better facilitating comprehension of my overall approach). This can be found at "The Stages of Development". The "Update" and "Brief Further Update" provide an overall outline. It is based on 7 major Bands on the overall Spectrum (with 3 major levels in each band). And this still remains my approach (with only minor modifications) today!
The Levels of Self:: Levels of Reality goes through the 21 levels (based on the "horizontal" external/internal polarities that are positive and negative with respect to each other). Thus each stage of development from a psychological perspective is mirrored by a corresponding stage in physical terms (with the dynamic relationship as between both, complementary). The Levels as States: Levels as Structures then again proceeds through the same 21 levels (based on the "vertical" whole/part polarities that are real and imaginary with respect to each other). Thus the structural nature of each stage (as form) is properly mirrored by a corresponding state (as empty of phenomena). Healthy development therefore requires that an appropriate balance be maintained at each stage (and between all stages) as between distinctive states and their corresponding structures.
I had initially intended to then proceed through the more intricate investigation of the 21 levels based on the diagonal form/emptiness polarities, relating to the most intimate psycho physical interactions (of body and mind). However my attention was soon to be become completely absorbed in the radial mathematical appreciation of the Riemann Hypothesis, which in a deeply mysterious manner came to represent the "holy grail" of everything that I had been attempting to achieve.